Yeah man, here we go again with this shit. Last year I did a nice write up of some commercials, or rather spokesmen/mascots, that I ragged on, but this year I decided to focus on five ad campaigns that really pissed me off. All of these are from well-known companies, I could have picked some obscure ones, but they don't have the annoyance factor as much because you won't see them as often. The following are the commercials and ad campaigns from 2011 that we all fucking hated, hated to our cores, hated enough to denounce the company and then still buy their product.
5. Lipitor Man Did I Take Risks Ads
Now, not all of these are necessarily annoying, but they all follow he same basic premise. You have someone, usually an older guy, who talks about how they took "crazy risks" as a kid like riding down a pussy hill without a helmet on a bicycle, jumping in the water naked with those cadira fish or something, or fucking a girl with a condom bought at Big Lots. Okay, no, none of those except the first. They're usually really tame and you chuckle at the "risks" that were once taken in ye olde youth, but there's one in particular...
This particular ad reveals the fault with the whole campaign, it's not well thought out, but you have to pay attention to catch what's wrong. See it? Let me explain. Okay, yeah, so the guy's on about how he took risks as a kid swinging on a rope over some rocks in a lake. Sure, that's pretty risky, being that you could have severed your spinal cord or something, but ummm, wait a minute... It's clear dude is in some sort of big park or nature reserve and it's not his yard, because there aren't any houses around, so you mean to tell me that out of the whole fucking lake you pick the one goddamn spot that has fucking jagged rocks below it to tie up your rope swing? Now, really, sure we climb trees and stuff as a kid, but this one verges a little on maniac. If you have a whole lake about the size of Vermont to pick a spot to swing from, why would you pick the ONE spot where there were rocks? Fuck you buddy, you put that there for the commercial!
4. Arby's Good Mood Food Mud Fud Gud Ooooood Ads
I really don't know anyone who doesn't hate this goddamn jingle. It ranks on my list as possibly the worst jingle ever written. And it's not annoying because it sticks in your head, it's not annoying because it tries to be funny, it's not even annoying because it plays on slang phrases no longer cool (like the new Chipmunks film). This one makes the list because it's retarded. Like, whoever works in the ad department for Arby's needs to be fired or sent back to primary school or some shit. Here's an example:
Avoiding the lamer factor of the guy, let's analyze. Now, some of you might not mind it because they are advertising their product successfully. I mean, yeah, sandwich looks damn delicious, but I'm starting to not want to eat it. If you're a native speaker of English, this song is going to rub you the wrong way. Why? Because, linguistically and artistically speaking, it MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. Good Mood Food, sure we can read and it looks like they go together, but we can also HEAR SOUNDS THAT DON'T FUCKING RHYME. Whatever douchebag put this together seems to perhaps not be a native speaker and simply looked at the words thinking "ah yes, American rhyme ees good". No, it doesn't rhyme, and it's an example of how English works. Letters are symbols in English, they only represent sounds. In this case, they do not represent the sounds you think they do you fucking assholes. How are we supposed to say this? Gut Mut Fut? Gooood Moooood Foooood? Take your pick, it's only one of the two, because actually we say it something like this: Gud Mood Food. Doesn't work dickheads, and I like how they try to cover over it by his intonation and the music behind it, as if they cringed when they did it themselves. Get a new campaign ya fucks.
3. Toyota Highlander Unappreciative Asshole Kid Who Needs to Fucking Shut Up
Aw man, this, fuck I hate this kid. Kids can be annoying, they can be selfish, but this fucking little man here, Christ, I just want him to die, I want his parents to kick him out of the fucking car and run him over and make him pay for the hospital bill. I want them to force him to save his allowance so he can buy the fucking car himself. Here's one, if you haven't seen any of them, which I doubt:
Sure, he reveals to you all you need to know about the Toyota Highlander, but he does so while ripping on his parents for using an older SUV and, you know, probably trying to save some money or something so they can put his annoying ass through school or buy him nice things so he doesn't reveal their poverty, maybe even pay off hospital bills they don't talk about publically. Little dick gets in some friend's car and talks to his mother like he's ready to lick her asshole, then revealing that you too, parents, can be cool by buying a Toyota Highlander and getting rid of your lame, affordable car. I wouldn't doubt this ad campaign pissed a lot of people off, and it probably caused a loss of profit because I haven't seen them in at least two months. If you look at videos on Youtube, pay attention to the dislikes and negative comments. People don't like to be told that they're idiots if they don't buy an expensive car. Fuck your expensive car, I want something that runs good, has good gas mileage, can save me money, is probably used, and doesn't have that fucking kid in it. Go buy your own SUV you ungrateful twat.
2. ADT Burglar on a Rampage Ads
These ads crack me the fuck up boooiii. There's the one with the girl who's having a party, and then the one guy she's apparently fell for comes back with a real mean rapist face and kicks the door in. Ummm, if she liked him, couldn't he have just come in nicely and then done the deed? Why'd he have to kick the fucking door in? I mean, she approaches him looking all nice and then he kicks in the door? He pretty much had the go-ahead there to abuse her feelings. Or how about the one with the family during the day, dad leaves for work, and then big brute robber kicks in the door and looks confused when the alarm goes off. Could they find any less of a fucking mongoloid for the role? Oh, I see, all robbers are neanderthal in their nature so they must look the part, or as Arby's would say, luuk. But my favorite is the one with the girl and the daughter coming home...
Unfortunately, couldn't find it online, probably because they knew it would get burned by a million dislikes and funny-ass comments. Basically, you've seen it I'm sure. Mommy walks in the living room after coming home with daughter (why's she still carrying her purse?), dude is "robbing" them, in the middle of taking a TV. They look scared and shocked. He's like, hmmm, whatever, barely makes a face that shows more than complete boredom, leaves the TV, and kindly walks out like he's going to do something else in the next room. He literally walks out without a care in the world. What kind of fucking robber does that? He just put the TV back down? Why didn't he attack like the other guy? Maybe I'm being stereotypical, I don't know, but there certainly wasn't a reason for the dude to smash a photograph of your husband and break your vase. Trust me, I haven't robbed anyone, but if I was focusing on a TV and expensive electronics, why would I suddenly go randomly apeshit and just smash a picture of your dork husband in the process? What the fuck? Anyway, though I couldn't find it, this user video here is plenty funnier, it uses clips from the actual video (minus the robber guy), and pretty much makes fun of it for the same reasons I mentioned. Enjoy:
1. Wal Mart Trying to Look Hip Smart Talk Commercials
Wal Mart's so full of shit. I never shop there, I never will, I always overpay for my products to support the little guy, fuck my money. But one thing Wal Mart has never been able to overcome, regardless of their market dominance, is their image. Hahahahaha, what a pile of human waste that place generates! Seriously, are they born there? It's like a building you set up in Star Craft to generate various aliens. See, Wal Mart has had lots of problems with its image, and it's been doing everything in its power to overcome it. Redesigning the logo so it looks similar in arrangement to Target, using choice workers in ads to make them look like regular folks, and of course, the recent Smart Talk commercials of the past year. You know them, the ads that feature people who "forget" they're actually poor because they use phones from Wal Mart that "save them money" so they can "live better", which someone equates to things like thinking the crown jewels can be purchased, working in a repair shop and changing oil with your toy dog that just got manicured, trying to open the locks on an expensive car you don't own as you discuss serving fancy game birds over the phone, and so forth. Some of them actually don't feature the Wal Mart logo or any mentioning of them, partly because they're in cahoots with real phone companies, and also because again, they're trying to fix their image. Here's the jewels one, which annoys me in particular because no one that shops at Wal Mart even knows what they are:
So what's the problem? Well, many people find them funny, but that's just because they're fucking idiots and they don't see the horrible truth of which they are playing a huge role. These commercials are degrading, they're trying to tell you that by purchasing a cheap phone (that's probably a cheaply made model, by the way, that's how you actually "save" money with Wal Mart products, look it up and don't buy your electronics or guns there) you'll feel like you have more money, when in actuality you don't. THANKS FOR THE REMINDER. Another thing that irritates me about these ads is that they're just another example of Wal Mart's desperate attempt to look "cool" and well, better to say, not a festering pile of trash and obesity. You want to know what Wal Mart really is? This is the truth, and no fucking ad can avoid it:
Well, that's it, hope you enjoyed the fun! Next year I'm sure I'll have plenty more ads to tear apart. I was tempted to talk about the hipster Flo Progressive ads again, but it's been done already and I've heard people complaining about them so I've done my part. I think these, well, they needed a reaming. Anyway, ring in the New Year with more shitty ads and stuff and watch for Hansel's ramblings about metal and vinyl, and my sci-fi reviews and so forth. Later.
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