Stride Shift Sucks Serious Ball Sacks

Okay, sorry for the rant here, but Deaf Sparrow would like to whole-heartedly not endorse this horrible, horrible creation of mankind's worst chemical poisons. So the idea behind this piece of shit is the gum changes flavor as you chew it. I didn't think they'd really be able to pull off something without relying on a strong flavor like a mint, which was verified by the box, which indicates this particular one shifts from berry to mint. Already I was afraid...

But okay, let's try it. Some cool sugar-free gums have been coming out recently, like one that tastes like mint chocolate chip ice cream, at least for about five minutes. Berry to mint though? Probably not going to work, and by god it didn't. First off, this gum is pretty tough to chew. About three pieces in the mouth is a good bit and gives it some more softness, but for some reason at first it's quite a tough gum. So the berry kicks in. Cool, tastes like berry, pretty solid. And then...FUCK. So the mint kicks in about one second after you start and BOY does it TASTE LIKE SHIT. I mean, we're talking something you want to spit out. It takes about a good ten minutes to get used to the mint, so shocking is it right after the berry. In a short phrase, don't buy this gum. It sucks, the flavor shift only lasts about half a second and will induce bile from your lower bowels immediately. You're better off just buying a straight mint gum, because that's what this is in the end. Assholes.

BATMAN 3 Villains Announced (And Boy Do They Ever Suck)

Guess it was bound to happen. Most people don't like Christian Bale's gruff, often difficult to understand Batman voice, but the newer films added a layer of darkness and realism more fitting to the overall world of the comic. With the greatest vision of the Joker, EVER, in The Dark Knight, fans have been eagerly anticipating the next, and supposedly final, installment (2012 at the moment). I heard previously rumors of the director selecting more obscure characters like Scarface, and I was personally hoping for either the Mad Hatter (hard to pull off) or Clayface, the latter being the obvious fucking duh choice for this movie. What do we get? Bane and Catwoman.

Now, Bane is an okay pick, I guess, but let's remember his function. In an effort to increase sales, DC introduced Doomsday, had him "kill" Superman, sold a million comics and pulled themselves out of the drowning pool. So, why not do that with Batman? So they threw in Bane and he broke Batman's back or some shit, I forget. Anyway, the character was basically Doomsday for Batman, was really ripped and got pissed off when he was injected with this chemical, bulking up like the Incredible Hulk. Okay, whatever. He's kind of cool looking, but really just looks like a Mexican wrestler when it comes down to it. With the darker atmosphere they'll probably pull it off pretty well, but it seems like a cop out to me. I can't remember the name of the actor who's playing him, but it won't really matter since the dude wears a mask anyway. They'll probably have a body double for him who actually has a body.

But Catwoman? How many times do we have to fucking see this damn character? She's been a static part of the DC universe since forever, but that doesn't mean we have to keep milking her teets. Give it up, Michelle Pfeiffer killed that role and totally blew it out of the water back in the 90s, there's nothing else to say. When Halle Berry tried it, we all know what happened to that character. She's not really dark, either, I mean, Michelle definitely made her that way, but there's no way you're going to get past her characterization. Not going to happen, and it's certainly not going to happen with Anne Fucking Hathaway.

Hi, Batman, hi Bane, hee hee hee, like where's Meryl Streep since she sort of helped me look like a serious actress? Oh, it's snowing! Really, THIS is who they've picked to be Catwoman? Why? Why in the hell did you do this? I mean, I guess she's attractive, but she definitely does not scream 'crazed lunatic freakonaut' like Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns, especially since she's primarily known for doing fucking shitty romantic comedies. Blinking hell, her breakaway roll was fucking The Princess Diaries for cripes sake. I really don't get this one, hopefully the director gets his head on straight and pulls out Clayface or something because this shit is going to be horrible. At least I have The Thing prequel to look forward to.

BEING HUMAN: The Worst Show of 2011

What the? Can it be? Yes, it can, already the stupidity has begun. Already CEOs of various companies, especially in the entertainment industry, are ruining life for everyone. Myspace is about to tank. What's next? THIS.

Doesn't look familiar, sort of? Hopefully it won't. This is a "new" series coming out on Syfy called 'Being Human'. All you need to know is the premise. A vampire, werewolf, and ghost become roomates. Yep, that's the plot. It's a popular BBC show (that's where the picture above is from), but Syfy picked up the idea and is creating a "new" series based on it. I love Syfy for its horrible monster films with the greatest of worst acting, but this? Really, I mean, how much further can you go after the first episode? Hey man, did you run around like a wolf last night and eat a deer and then wake up cursing your existence? Yeah dood, what did you do? Bit some chick but tried to hold back at first, then my undead instincts took over and I went all Bram Stoker's Dracula on her ass. How about you ghost girl? I floated around and shit and no one could see me and it was hilarious because I did funny things they couldn't see. Kewl. Next episode. What did you do today vampire man? Looked creepily at some girl, she wanted me, and then we did it and shit and I think I bit her or something, you? I howled or something and then ate some cheese. I wish I could eat cheese. Sorry, ghost girl, dun dun dun music as she makes a 'sorry guys' shrug to the camera and it fades out. Next episode...

On a side note, best worst quote from a movie for 2010? Let's here it for...TAKERS. "We're takers man, that's what we do, we take." Wow, good one there. What do you take, takeables from takees? So here's to 2011 and a whole year of pop culture drivel! More please!