Sci-Fi That Sucks: I Will Fear No Evil

The more I read by Helein, the more I wonder what the fuck was wrong with the guy. The only time he stays interesting is when he sticks to science and adds some action. For some reason, dude had this thing throughout his career of letting his works turn into shit by any mentionings of love or, more typically, sex. If you read my review of The Puppet Masters, I had the same issue with it, but for I Will Fear No Evil he reached a new level of hatred. The majority of The Puppet Masters was good, but it was seriously hampered by a ridiculous subplot concerning the love of the two main agents in the story. Then, yet again, I found this same issue coming to the surface and annoying the piss out of me in one of his most famous works, Stranger in a Strange Land, which I can unequivocally state is not as awesome as the Iron Maiden song. Heinlein in all of these examples seems to do one thing, come up with an awesome idea and then spends so much time to writing about bullshit to apparently take up pages to increase book cost that it leads to bizarre sidetracks into sexuality that make you wonder if he had some sort of fucking problem. Out of his novels I have so far read, only The Moon is a Harsh Mistress comes with recommendations, this one, fuck, just don't even bother.

I Will Fear No Evil was apparently written while he was suffering through some sort of organ inflammation and his wife edited it, so maybe that has something to do with it, I don't know. The plot is simple. It's the future, the world is overpopulated (trust me, they do barely anything with this ripe concept), and this old rich guy is dying. His dying wish is kind of an attempt to commit legal suicide because he doesn't think it will work; he wants to have his brain transplanted into a healthy, young body and he gets the help of a doctor who did it with two monkeys but who was demonized afterwards. He's a crazy old guy and quite a horny coot, which is fine, and the way he talks and has an honest way of speaking makes for a believable character, at first. His secretary and her husband are one of the couples to sign the contract, and of course, she ends up dying soon after and his brain is put into her body.

Now, first off, the particular edition I have fucking blew that shit by talking about it on the back cover. You don't find out it was his secretary, Eunice, until at least a hundred or so pages in when he finally is able to see himself in the mirror. Before that, they play around with it, but if you weren't told, you wouldn't know, so I was a little pissed at that publishing slip. Anyway, you kind of figure it's going to happen and man, what an awesome idea for a sci-fi plot. Not new, really, but just plain awesome. Heinlein, however, fucks it up after Johann realizes who he is.

See, sure, we're all sure if you were a guy placed into a woman's body, you'd probably want to see what it does, no question. Problem is Heinlein spends the whole rest of the goddamn thing with Johann (now Joan Eunice) having sex with everyone under the sun, buying clothes, and really doing nothing of fucking interest. It basically reads like sci-fi for the first hundred pages, and then descends into a shitty romance novel with a Fabio look-a-like on the cover for the other 3/4 of it, which amounts to around 500 motherfucking pages. After the brain is transplanted and Johann is up and walking, the novel descends into one of the worst farces of sci-fi I've ever read. Cheesiness is fine, this just plain sucks. It's like listening to your wife or girlfriend blab about what they did throughout the day, but stretch that over the week or so it will take to finish it. Absolutely nothing interesting happens through the rest of the entire book, take that at face value because I mean it. It's a total travesty to even call this sci-fi, because other than brief mentionings of technology and the year, as well as a small stint about moon travel at the end that goes nowhere, there's almost nothing in here that has anything to do with the genre. It reads like an issue of Redbook you read on the shitter because there's nothing else around or like a Lifetime movie you for some reason won't shut off. Horrible.

The characters are unbelievable, the dialog ridiculous, and the end total blue balls. You'd expect a weird twist, but here it is. Eunice is somehow still functioning in the body and talks to Johann in his mind. That's kind of cool, but when his lawyer dies at the end, who he married and who was having sex with Eunice before she died, he somehow is also put into the mix and they're all talking together. How in the fuck did that happen? And when Johann decides to impregnate his new body with his own sperm that he had frozen away, Heinlein does next to nothing with the concept! Add to it this quasi-religious Indian thing very similar to the bullshit going on in Stranger in a Strange Land and you get one goddamned awful book. This is probably the worst sci-fi novel I've ever read, and I don't think it can be topped. I'm actually dreading reading anything else by this guy it was so fucking bad. AVOID AT ALL COSTS.

Sci-Fi Adventures: On Wheels

This is a weird one. I have a ton of sci-fi novels I've read since my last review, but this one stood out. John Jakes is mainly known for historical fiction. He did some series that I think eventually led to the video game "North and South", but don't quote me on that even though I just did. In addition to historical fiction, he also wrote a number of sci-fi novels, but most of them apparently weren't memorable, or, judging by this one, just sadly forgotten. You'd have figured a novel touted as the next Slaughterhouse-Five or Dune would at least have a decent blurb somewhere, but even Wikishitia doesn't mention it in his bibliography. Typical for that shithole.

On Wheels is one of the strangest sci-fi novels I've ever read. The premise is incredibly stupid and it's largely boring at first, but by the end, there's just something about it. To start, check out the cover there, what in the shit is going on? I get it, it's symbolic, but I mean, you've got a naked boy with a firebird apparently getting ready to sodomize him as he rolls along the road in his car body amongst a backdrop of weird, 40s-styled artwork of cars on the road. I haven't seen a weird, inordinate sci-fi cover like this since Rena Vale's Taurus Four. So, needless to say, On Wheels sucked me in with it's ridiculous cover, which is what good sci-fi is all about. When people peruse my collection, this is one of the first I pull out to elicit some laughs.

So what's it about? On Wheels, to be brief, fits in the "Mad Max" category to some extent, so if you like that post-apocalyptic craziness with cars and road warriors, this one should get your vroooming. But the 'road warriors' here are different, much different. It's hard to reveal without giving you the "secret" behind the book, so I need to do it. If you want to keep it sacred until you read it yourself, then just stop and check out another one of our splendid articles.

Okay, so America is fighting some unexplained war with the East, presumably China. Funds are sucked dry, but people are living okay, albeit in a really crazy fashion. Really, you're not given too much of an indication how they live until the end, other than chance meetings with them on the road when they're referred to as 'stoppers'. Any time people want to hit the roads, they do it en mass to the point that there are thousands of highway casualties. So, essentially, the population of America has been strained to the point that there are so many of us we end up dying from proximity. Enter the clans. The clans are huge families with names that refer to driving and the 50s. The main character, for example, is named Billy Spoiler. All of the clans live on the roads, literally, like, they never stop driving, EVER. They have to maintain a speed of at least 40 at all times and have big parties in giant road vans, so Jakes immediately creates a very strange world. He also mixes up the action by using road signs and such to break the movement of the prose, which is a really cool touch. On Wheels has three main parts, but the plot is pretty basic.

Billy Spoiler is a boy from one clan, and you meet plenty of others. He eventually falls in love with a girl named Rose Ann, which of course causes tension with a rough-and-tumble young whippersnapper from a rival clan named Lee Ramp. Their clan is known for driving recklessly. Billy races him to win her, kills him (or so you think), and then he eventually reappears all burned and crippled after they get married. There are marriage tensions, Billy almost kills his wife after he catches her cheating on him, and in the middle of trying to get her to an off road hospital (which has never been done), you learn all about the truth of the world. During this, Billy is engaged in a race duel with Lee Ramp, who's legendary cousin Big Daddy Hardcharger races for since he's crippled. Big Daddy is a specter of sorts throughout the novel (who's trying to be the first to ever drive 50 millions miles), and when you see him he's pretty much what you expect, a fat biker dude driving a crazy car. They duel as Billy learns the truth of the world, Rose Ann dies while he's trying to get her help off the road, and then he rejoins Big Daddy in the race and kills them both.

Overall, On Wheels has this bizarre charm. It's really a fun read when you get into it, and once you learn about the clans and get used to their lingo and lives, it has a cool groove. The overall concept that the government is saving societal collapse by keeping 10% of the population permanently on the roads (the clans) is pretty silly, but Jakes keeps the writing and storyline moving along at an awesome pace, so you really can't complain. The way it's divided into three sections that give this distinct feel of a car slowly speeding up and exploding by the end is fitting. I'm excited to see what else Jakes has done, and I can only hope it's as interesting, if not as slightly silly, as On Wheels. It's a short, fast read, a little goofy, but damn was it fun.

Sci-Fi Adventures (Special): The Pilgrim Project, The End of our Space Program and Perhaps an Empire

In case you didn't figure it out from the picture, the title of this blog entry isn't the full title of the book, I simply added a bit more. This is a fitting novel for a fitting time. For those of you who didn't know, and sadly that's probably around 95% of you out there, the American Space Shuttle Program is done, finished. July 8th was officially the last shuttle flight America is ever going to see. It was even on the news, but most of you probably didn't know that. See, back in the day, America really cared about itself, but since then we've lost our way. No just our way but our will. Sure, it comes back occasionally when chaos strikes, but it always sinks back under the surface of rising debt, horrid unemployment, outsourcing, shoddy plastic shit from Lowe's, and politicians that never have a clue. The shuttle program is just yet another example of our eventual end. You may all be indeed witnessing not just the end of an era, but the end of an empire.

Enter The Pilgrim Project. I can't forgive you for not knowing about the above, but not knowing about this novel is another story. Hank Searls is pretty much a total no-name today, which is sad because he basically was the first writer to do what would eventually make Tom Clancy famous. This particular novel was one of a few, and it was even made into a film in the 60s called "Countdown". As far as sci-fi goes, don't expect aliens or weird technology. This is really perhaps the first novel of its kind, a historical science fiction novel that assumes the then near future. In it, a group of researches, scientists, politicians, etc. get together and come up with a plan to beat those dang Russkies to the moon. As a whole, the characters are pretty wooden, and the plot will seem drab at first, but something about The Pilgrim Project makes it incredibly interesting. I'm not sure what it is, perhaps it's the fluid writing style and attention to the details you need, or perhaps it's that part of us that died yesterday.

The main plot revolves around Steve Lawrence, an astronaut who's ship is called down with its crew and eventually becomes the central figure in a race to beat Russia to the moon. Keep in mind, when this was written, the Russians had already beaten us to space and shot up a satellite. Searls here assumes what would eventually happen, America landing the first man on the moon. What follows is a bunch of political intrigue and science, the majority actually really cool in spite of how boring you'd assume it would be. The plan? Shoot a man to the moon, sending a special pod to live in separately so he can survive when he gets there (he'll be there for about a year, alone). It's risky, and he could die due to a number of circumstances. Many people don't think it will work and think it's an unnecessary risk. Others know it's the only way to make America care about itself again, it's the only way to give the people hope. So Lawrence is eventually chosen and decides to move forward in spite of some problems at home and not really having the necessary experience. After some grueling training, and after the Russians secretly try to beat America when the plan is leaked to the press, Lawrence is shot into space.

The ending is actually quite surprising, so if you don't want to blow it, skip this paragraph. Lawrence basically misinterprets a riff on the moon's surface and lands. He has a small window in which to abort and using the pull of the moon, head back to earth. But he doesn't, even though he promised everyone otherwise, he knows what it means to at least make it there, even if he dies within a few hours. So he decides to land, not wanting to think years later he actually saw the pod but aborted the mission. He thinks at first of staying in the capsule to survive for four more days, but then decides to go on the surface, wandering for several miles as he takes it all in with a peaceful, going-towards-death attitude. He eventually finds the shape he saw, and discovers it was in fact the Russian craft, most of it damaged. Out of the port is half of the body of the pilot, with a small Soviet flag nearby. In his last moments, he wanted to make sure it was planted. Lawrence knows he's going to die, so he gets his flag ready and starts to plant both flags in the moon's surface, when, at the last moment, he sees the blip of the light of the pod in the distance, which means it's both fairly close and upright (undamaged), so he goes for it and the novel ends. I kind of thought having him die would be a cool , philosophical ending considering the presence of the dead Russian, but Searls leaves it open to him just having enough air to make it, but you don't know if he does.

One of the things that makes this such a great book is the historical value. Sure, the story is strangely engrossing and fast-paced despite reading tons of material on training. As far as sci-fi goes, it's a pretty solid book. But that's not the value of it, especially considering what's happening to us now. This was a time when America thought it was really going to accomplish something; the Space Race absorbed our attention easily up through the mid to late 80s. After that, it, and we, lost the spark. Since that time NASA shuttle launches have seen a pretty hard decline, and after this final launch, I can't help but feel we're all a little empty and downtrodden, at least those of us that paid attention. It's like seeing everything we were blast one last time, disappear, and then sink into nothingness. The Pilgrim Project is a glimpse into the feeling of the time, and a look at what we once were. Will we ever regain the glory and push to greatness found in this novel? Probably not, this book is sad in a way, it's part of a dead age, one we'll never see again. Troubling, because within the story it's commented that we'll be on mars by the '1980s'. Funny how that didn't work out.

Sci-Fi That Sucks: The Left Hand of Darkness

Well, having done a few good sci-fi novel reviews over the past few months, it was inevitable I'd come to one that made me want to puke, eat it, and then turn that into some sort of poison to puke up again to feed to someone. Yes, that makes no sense and offers no perspective on what n the hell I'm talking about, but then again neither does this fucking piece of shit book. I actually have several shorter works by Le Guin and some short-story collections she's in, but this is actually the first thing I ever read by her. Considering it's one of the most well-known, if not the quintessential work that is her, perhaps I might want to toss the others in the 'take these to the used book store to trade them in for something good' bag.

The Left Hand of Darkness is billed on the back as being similar in scope and awesomeness to the Dune series. Hell, even Frank Herbert himself is quoted on the back. Usually, that's a pretty clear sign you're in for total hell, especially when one considers that the various Dune novels really aren't that great to begin with (yes I said it, let's all admit it for once). This novel is basically the polar opposite of Dune, pun intended there because the planet it takes place on is basically totally frozen. That, and it completely lacks any semblance of action and barely has enough plot to keep your interest. That, however, is just an inkling of how bad this fucking thing is. So what's it about?

The story revolves primarily around Genly Ai, an envoy from Terra (the classic sci-fi name for Earth in about every novel you'll ever read), who is part of a league of sorts of 80 or so planets. Their goal? Get more planets into the mix for trade, sharing of ideas, all that good stuff. Envoys are typically sent out alone under the belief that a single alien is a friendly gesture, whereas any more is perceived as invasion. So, Genly's goal is to convince the planet Gethen, primarily through one of its countries named Karhide, to join the league of planet shits and everyone engages in mutual masturbation. Really, that's an alright idea to run a plot, but this thing fails on so many levels it's shocking. Let's give it a bit of credit, though, and start with the good things, few though they are.

Good Shit

1. Great background development. Gethen is seriously dense with myth, history, legend, and unique cultures that interplay like real people, or sort of (read further).

2. Cool setting. Sure, Dune was on a desert planet and this is basically the opposite of it, but a planet stuck in an Ice Age presents some pretty cool potential for tension, monsters, and general adventure.

3. Good idea on the integration of 'authentic texts'. There are chapters that reference old legends of Gethen, old works of history, etc. that further develop the background to the world and help make more sense of the plot. Herbert did pretty much the same thing in Dune, so it's not original or anything, but it does make the novel feel more artistic.

4. Awesome alien idea. The people of Gethen are human. The difference is that they are androgynous. Other than certain times called 'kemmer', where they get really horny and change into either male or female for a short time to engage in mating, they have no sex. So they can be both father and mother to different children. Pretty cool idea, and it helps to provide some tension between a major character and Genly, who is a regular male human all the time and everyone calls him a pervert.

But that's it for the good shit, the bad shit makes the good shit pretty much just plain shit. Let's look further...

Bad Shit

1. Horrible character development. In fact, there really isn't much at all. Le Guin tries to provide a humanness to her characters, but it's rarely achieved. I'm not sure if it was achieved at all other than the one major character Estraven. Even then, you never really fully connect with him/her, because the development is so stale. The worst aspect is that Genly is pretty much worse than a Chinese peasant throughout the whole thing. He has no character at all other than the fact that he is a character. He pretty much sucks the big dick of the novel and lets it come all over him without blinking or caring.

2. Boring as shit. Holy hot damn is this thing boring. The majority of the story involves Genly trying to convince a crazy king and another country to join the league of planet bitches. That's actually ripe with potential, but it's totally blown. The entire story primarily revolves around horribly boring political intrigue. There is barely two pages worth of action or adventure in the entire thing, unless you're excited by about a hundred pages of two morons walking over a bunch of snow and running out of food. Pretty much nothing happens the entire novel, and by the end you're wondering why you even finished it.

3. Confusing integration, at times, of the aforementioned 'authentic texts'. Okay, cool idea, but frequently you'll be referring back to earlier sections to make sense out of some of them. At times, Le Guin has made her world a little too dense without working the characters more. With most of the time spent on the background of the story, only a bit of which you actually get to learn about, there really isn't much room for anything interesting to actually happen. Some of the authentic text parts, legends and so forth, are really pretty stupid in comparison to the rest. A paragraph or so would have sufficed instead of the long, rambling legends of ye ole' Gethen which lead you into a restless slumber more often than not.

4. It's not really sci-fi. It's a stretch to call this hunk of shit sci-fi by any regard. The only real bit of science in this entire thing is the fact that Genly comes from a league of planets and his spaceship is circling Gethen until he accomplishes his goal. Gethen is largely low tech, so they live in almost a feudal society with snow shoes and carts and such. Think Siberia about a hundred years ago. Genly has a little talking tablet thing, but that's about the extent of the science fiction in this. It's actually more fantasy than anything. If you didn't have mention of the fact that Gethen is a planet, it's pretty much a really, really boring fantasy novel. No cool weapons, ships, or anything, just a bunch of snow.

5. Total lack of action. Good sci-fi usually involves an engaging plot with a lot of depth, but more often than not has moments of crazy action, bizarre beast attacks, and weird alien plots that culminate in exciting wars of words where you wonder what's coming next. The Left Hand of Darkness lacks all of this, or at least when it does appear it's totally tame. There is almost no action in this entire thing other than some slips on the ice, no cool creatures (come on the ice part was plenty ready for that), and a plot that is way too speech-focused.

6. Speaking of that, that's the major problem with this fucking thing. The entire plot basically pans out via speech with various political leaders playing legal chess through Genly, who just takes it like a champ. There is not a single moment you're really going to be interested in the story, and I really, really mean that. It has some cool philosophy behind it, but it desperately needed at least some action, for the love of god. With no real tension in the entire story and a political hoo-ha that barely keeps your attention long enough to finish a single chapter, this one fails on many plot levels.

7. Pretty much no closure. The lack of action thing, fine, whatever, I guess. No, actually that really pisses me off. But what makes it worse is that by the end, the ending is really all you expected from the start when you know what Genly is doing. Is he going to convince the planet to join the league of extraordinary boredom? Yes. That's about it. One page would have sufficed, instead of a hundred million about snow, ice, and running out of food. By the time you get to the end, you really haven't been given anything you didn't expect and you really didn't learn anything either. It's like you took a two-hundred-something page shit and flushed it without wiping.

So that's about it. When it comes down to it, this book DOES NOT deserve all the hype it seems to get and all the good (and consequentially suspect) reviews on Amazon.cashhog Some of the ideas behind it and the background is actually pretty cool, but it's just barely a sci-fi novel with no action and really tedious plot development. Unless you're a completist and feel like you need to read all that is sci-fi, just stay away from The Left Hand of Darkness, it's totally worthless.

METALION, The SLAYER MAG Diaries Book Preview

744 pages, six pounds...I can't fucking wait....

Sci-Fi Adventures: Laser Books - The Horde

Man, sci-fi was the shit at one time. And by that I mean that everyone wanted to jump on the bandwagon and make a buck, or back then about thirty-five cents per book. Laser Books was a sideproject of sorts of a famous, and still active, Canadian book powerhouse company of doom. The idea for this series was simple. Get a bunch of authors, some well-known, have them write original stories that didn't appear elsewhere, keep them no longer than 60,000 words, serialize it, and call it a day. Laser Books released three books per month for about a year, and then suddenly tanked. It's really not clear why this happened, but it's most likely that the quality overall wasn't very good, as well as the fact that a few authors, including Piers Anthony, were pretty pissed about their work being butchered.

Anyway, this is the first Laser Book I found and the first one I've read, so I can't judge the entire series as a whole, which, by the way, is not sequential or anything. All the books are stand-alone, they were just released with nice little numbers and a cool "series" look so that later freaks would want to collect them. The Horde was book 27 in the line, written by Joseph Green, who did a ton of short stories for sci-fi mags and wrote a number of works along the way. This one was his entry in the Laser Books sci-fi store/subscription attack. First off, let's check the cover.

What in the hell is going here? I still look at this one and wonder what Kelly Freas was thinking, a famous sci-fi illustrator, by the way. In the background you have some representative terrain that you'll encounter in the story, so that's fine, and then you have the alien race in question in most of the book, the Shemsi. What the fuck is with the floating head? I assume it's the main character, but I didn't personally picture him with such a Flash Gordon chin and smug, asswipe attitude. All he needed was a stogie and a hovering, diembodied gun or some shit. Anyway...

In The Horde, main character Leo Volz and his woman become marooned on a planet that functions as a disputed territory between humans and a race of weirdos called the Shemsi. Leo's chick is taken to the Shemsi home planet for study, primarily because the Shemsi are asexual and want to learn how humans work, thinking that changing their genetics can eventually lead to a better society. The Shemsi are birthed by one of three uber moms on their home planet, and depending on which mother (they go through periods of control of their society), the Shemsi are one of three personality types and have one of three major positions in their society.

So, Leo ends up saving one of the Shemsi from a bizarre alien beast, and then convinces him (well, so he thinks, it's really further work of the Mothers) to help him retrieve his beloved bang toy. What follows is a pretty tense lead-up to the Shemsi encampment, and then the eventual landing on the Shemsi world. Really, the book is pretty damn interesting up to this part. It has the typical 'what would aliens be like' thing going on; lots of weird devices, creatures, and so forth, but it plays its part well. However, this begins to change about halfway through, and then The Horde reaches a rather boring portion that doesn't let up until the end.

See, this novel takes the approach of the film 'Enemy Mine', just being used here as an example. You have two races that don't understand each other, two representatives of those races who get stuck somewhere for some reason, and then who learn to like each other and appreciate, for the most part, what each has to offer. That's the general run of what The Horde is, because the freaking pathway to the giant mountain where the Mothers live is long as shit. Where this novel suffers is the extremely lengthy amount of time spent with both Leo and Erith (the Shemsi dude) traveling over inhospitable terrain. You learn a lot about Shemsi and there are some decent segments where their culture is explained, but overall this whole section is about as interesting as walking through the desert, and that's about what it amounts to too. There are only so many times you can read about their various tribulations as they learn to navigate the terrain, and though the culture background is cool, when it comes down to it you have another sci-fi romp in the wasteland going on here. Really a shame, because in general The Horde is an easy and fairly interesting read. If you're looking for a dude-meets-alien-and-befriends-him story, this one delivers, but be prepared to join them in their harrowing quest to the point that you start to feel their pain. Sometimes, you might want to put it down for awhile. There are, however, worse novels out there with wasteland portions, so don't expect it to be too bad.

Sci-Fi Adventures: The Puppet Masters

Here's a good one, well, almost. If you've read sci-fi you've definitely heard the name Robert Heinlein. Dude was pretty damn prolific, and wrote some of the most memorable novels in the genre. He's usually pretty fresh, fun, and dense. Not for the average sci-fi reader at times, but he knew that, so some of his books were a little more focused on action, this being one of them. It actually has a lot of interesting history behind it too; lawsuits against movies that ripped it off, earlier changes to avoid Communist persecution, and an eventual 90s thriller film that came out pretty good. You won't really get that from reading it, but if you're a fan it's interesting to learn about. Anyway...

The Puppet Masters is one of Heinlein's earlier novels, though not the earliest, and sets the tempo for some of his more accessible works. Interestingly, it's in fact his only novel that features an alien invasion as the primary drive of the plot. He never did another one, which is kind of sad, because The Puppet Masters is a pretty solid work overall that perhaps could have led into other, more clever invasion tales. Still, it's not not without problems.

The interesting stuff is that the alien invasion takes place in the future where people take lots of weird drugs for pleasure and get around in flying cars (this is sadly absent from the 90s film adaptation). The agents have cool little gimmicks, too, like built-in phones in their heads called 'skull phones'. Sam, the main character, is part of an agency that deals with US intelligence matters and is so secret it reports directly the President. You never find out what they are, but it doesn't matter. What does is that the earth is being invaded by a slug-like creature that attaches to the spine of any intelligent creature (or fairly intelligent at least) and controls them like a puppet, hence the name of the book. That pretty much sums it all up, the story revolves around the agency, Sam, and his friends (including father), figuring out the mystery and how to stop the aliens. There are numerous twists in the plot, some revolving around the idea that they can take over memories and learn how to essentially act like people to a certain point, and the action is quite fast and often intense. Heinlein really doesn't waste too much time getting it moving, because in a few pages things start to fly and it doesn't really let up.

That is, however, until he begins to incorporate a ridiculous subplot revolving around Sam falling in love with another agent, who we find out later is actually connected to the aliens in this horribly-explained way. Apparently she was once part of this doomsday cult, grew up in it, and was taken away by the aliens, found in a state of amnesia and made an agent later on. It wouldn't be so bad if the love sections weren't so damn trite and formulaic. They're incredibly boring, the dialog is second-grade laughable, and they only serve to slow down an otherwise interesting story. Later, for example, Sam his alien love woman get married for some goddamn reason, and go off into his 'cabin in the mountains' without telling anyone for some other goddamn reason in the middle of an invasion, where, of course, they eventually are assaulted by an alien that rides in on a cat, totally reverting all of the training and skills you see them utilize throughout the rest of the book. Any point that this stupid love tale enters the story, it's really quite irritating and probably enough to make some people put it down. A real shame, because the rest of it is good. Overall, The Puppet Masters is an enjoyable read, but the love story made me put it down once before and almost did it again. I finished it this time around, but it was pretty grueling through those sections. Really should have eliminated them. Anyway, if you're looking for an early invasion story from the master himself, this is a good one, but it's definitely not his, or the genre's, best.

ERIK DANIELSSON Writes Foreword to METALION: THE SLAYER MAG DIARIES

Bazillion Points Books reveals that frontman Erik Danielsson of Sweden's black metallers WATAIN has contributed an impassioned foreword to the upcoming 744-page hardcover book METALION: The Slayer Mag Diaries, an anthology and memoir by Norway's extreme metal godfather Jon Kristiansen.

The Swedish Grammy-winning Danielsson previously contributed to Slayer XX, the final issue of the legendary Slayer Mag, released in 2010. The musician also appears in the METALION book's gallery of color portrait photographs shot by Kristiansen.

Says Danielsson: "The first issue I got was Slayer X, and it was a monumental experience of being thrust into the very depths of the mad universe that was the black/death metal underground... Dead or alive, Slayer Mag will stand as a synonym for that unnameable, bloodcurdling feeling of solemn secrecy and evil genius that this movement has bestowed upon us."

Years in the making, METALION includes over 600 reproduction pages from every issue of Slayer Mag, spanning from the early 1980s through 2010. In addition, author Jon Kristiansen recounts his life's story, from alienated outsider to central figure in Norwegian black metal to world-weary metal survivor. The book also features over 100 rare photographs, including two color sections and a portrait gallery of photographs taken by Kristiansen himself.

"The greatest heavy metal story ever told" will be available in June 2011, wherever books are sold, and is available for preorder now with two bonus limited patches from Bazillion Points Books, "America's smallest but heaviest book publisher."

http://www.metalionbook.com

Stephen O'Malley of SUNN 0))) Contributes Foreword to 'METALION: The Slayer Mag Diaries'

Bazillion Points Books is proud to reveal that innovative metal musician Stephen O'Malley of SUNN 0))) has contributed a lengthy foreword to the upcoming 744-page hardcover book METALION: The Slayer Mag Diaries, an anthology and memoir by Norway's metal godfather Jon Kristiansen.

As a graphic designer during the 1990s,

O'Malley befriended Kristiansen during the early 1990s, during the initial rise of Norway's black metal phenomenon. He later designed music packaging for Norwegian black metal artists including Mayhem, Burzum, and Emperor.

Says O'Malley: "Discovering Slayer 9 in early 1993 was a significant step in my initial descent into the cultural underground via music, guided by the unique filter of Metalion. Right when it counted, Slayer Mag brought the black metal thing into human perspective. Somehow Metalion's interview subjects were always at ease as human beings, projecting less of their anti-superhero or negative rock-star personas. I would say that each and every one of them was honored and pleased to be in the magazine... Slayer Mag really is a true cult."

Years in the making, METALION includes over 600 reproduction pages from every issue of Slayer mag, spanning from the early 1980s through 2010. In addition, author Jon Kristiansen recounts his life's story, from alienated outsider to central figure in Norwegian black metal to world-weary metal survivor. The book also features over 100 rare photographs, including two color sections and a portrait gallery of photographs taken by Kristiansen himself.

"The greatest heavy metal story ever told" will be available June 6, 2011, wherever books are sold, and is available for preorder now with two bonus limited patches from Bazillion Points Books, "America's smallest but heaviest book publisher."

http://www.metalionbook.com

Sci-Fi Adventures: A for Andromeda

I figured this might be a bit of fun. Editor man has all the cool goings-on of the music world posted day after day, so why not a little geek for the ole' Sparrow blog? This is the first of my proposed articles on sci-fi novels I waste my time reading, mainly old ones from the glory days of sci-fi starting from the late 1800s and ending around the mid to late 1980s. Quite a run for the genre! Everything sucked after that because we ran out of ideas. Anyway, each entry will serve as a short review of a novel I've tackled. I figured I'd start with a rather famous one, though no one remembers it anymore, A for Andromeda.

This one spawned a famous TV series that was eventually redone, and of course no one paid attention to that when it happened. At any rate, back in the early 60s we still thought we had a chance of eventually getting somewhere in space. Numerous novels appeared revolving around ideas of what alien life would actually be like, most quite clever. Even the derivative ones were pretty damn entertaining, if only for their humor factor. A for Andromeda was written as a collaboration between the famous astronomer/philosopher Fred Hoyle and "novelist" John Elliot. That's in quotes because this is actually the only book he ever wrote.

A for Andromeda is classic 'aliens-coming-for-us' science fiction. It takes a different approach, however. Instead of a physical invasion, the alien mind, which we never actually get to see in the book, attempts to get us to create a machine that will eventually lead to our destruction. It opens with a lot of science babble that's honestly quite dry, but it starts to pick up when the team of scientists catches an alien broadcast of sorts using a new, high-powered satellite dish somethingrather. One of the researchers, Fleming, is smart enough to figure out the data is from an alien race, perhaps a now dead race, and is being sent in binary. Using his skills, he discovers the code is actually a sequence describing how to build a never-before-seen, high-powered computer, and the rest of the message is data to be placed into it. Of course, this is the first build of excitement in A for Andromeda. From there, the story moves slowly, but there's enough tension in wondering what's going to happen to keep you reading. The computer is, of course, eventually built, and they start to feed it the data.

From there, the machine begins to essentially ask questions using very basic understandings of life in the universe. It eventually finds out, for example, that carbon-based life is present on earth. Using this method, it comes upon a formula that it feeds to the scientists. Said formula is a plan to create artificial, living tissue. At first a few growing cells, and then this eyeball beast with enough mental power to cause someone to commit suicide to test her body, and then eventually Andromeda, a totally hawt chick that is, of course, an uber being alien, even though she looks human. The computer has simply created something based on what we have here. And also of course, Andromeda slowly learns how to be human in spite of the fact she's here to kill all of us, she reaches a conflict with the machine, rebels, and blah blah there's a sad ending that I'll save for you to find out if you read it.

Really, A for Andromeda is an okay read, at least at first. There's enough cool science and theory for the nerds out there, and the tension of discovering exactly what the computer is going to do keeps the action going. But, really, when it comes down to it, other than some mixing of international intrigue through some spy games that are damn boring, A for Andromeda is bland overall. It takes a good chunk of chapters to really get going, and by then there's just barely enough to keep you interested. It's cool to see what the machine's going to do and it's a neat take on how an alien race could invade another world, but with the slow pace and occasional, anti-capitalist undertones, it might just be annoying to some readers. Cool book for the history of the genre, and okay overall, but there are better alien invasion novels out there.

FORGOTTEN PATH Magazine

After almost two years of silence, the new issue of “Forgotten Path Magazine” has been unleashed. This time it offers 120 b/w professionally printed and designed pages of the  blackest art from all corners of the world. 

The magazine includes different reports from Metal  events/festivals, as well as more than 200 critical reviews on various albums/demos, and of  course – interviews with the following acts/parties: SHINING [Swe], LOITS [Est], BESTIAL RAIDS [Pol], “Antichrist/Dead Center Prods.” [Ukr],  ENSLAVED [Nor], LUCTUS [Ltu], KEEP OF KALESSIN [Nor], GRAVELAND [Pol],  CODE [Gbr/Nor], “Supremacy Through Intolerance” [Ger], EMPTY [Esp], STRIX [Ita],  ANIMUS MORTIS [Chi], TELOCH [Fin], LEBENSESSENZ [Bra]. 

The magazine can be ordered through email mailto:forgotten.path.mag@gmail.com  

The price for one copy – 6 Euros + shipping. We offer absolutely flexible prices for the wholesalers. 

Ask through email. You can find all the info on our website www.forgotten-path.lt. All questions will be answered through email: mailto:forgotten.path.mag@gmail.

Regards,

Odium
www.forgotten-path.lt

I WAS DORA SUAREZ Scared the Shit Out of Me

Death metal bands obsessed with all sorts of graphic brutality and yummy yummy coprophagia, shall start reading some of the books written by English author Derek Raymond. Maybe then, some eloquent germ will infest them and cause them to stop writing lyrics that come off like third rate Cannibal Corpse shit.

I recently started reading I Was Dora Suarez, Raymond’s fourth book in his Factory series, and was instantly taken aback by its explicit nature.  Raymond (whose real name was Robin Cook) slashes our gag reflex within the first few pages. The author goes to incredibly gruesome lengths by detailing the act of killing (and then shitting and masturbating with a bloody dick on top of the corpse) to such a detailed extent, even I –whom I consider to be an individual with a strong stomach-had to stop every few sentences just to catch my breath. And I am only about ten pages into the book. It is that fucking sick! Seriously, this guy makes Dennis Cooper look like Danielle Steel.

As a matter of fact, I Was Dora Suarez is such a morbid book I kind of feel bad just having it in my house. As I read it last night I thought of my three year old daughter and the idea that one day she will find it in my library and think that I am a fucking pervert really disturbed me. The only other book that has made me think this way was the anthology of the Answer Me! fanzine, which was so rampacked with hilarious shit that is wrong at so many levels I started feeling like a pervert.

Musically speaking there are only a couple of records that have made me feel this way. The first one being  Matando Gueros by Brujeria.  The cover is a real image and hence more gruesome than any graphic drawing, but that was not it, it was the lyrics which were in Spanish and hence, screamed in my ear in my native language, caused in me pure repulsion. Also, the vocals of Juan Brujo were not that distorted, they were rough and gruff, but you could easily understand all that’s being screamed. Which is not the same in English, a language that back then I could not understand in its musical context at all and hence, lyrically speaking, could not affect me.

I was already a metal fan, by then. And I never had a problem with the Carcass sleeves but Brujeria had gone too far. That night I told my brother to keep the record out of the room. Its vibes could infect me, I reasoned.

I have outgrowned those judgements by now. Mostly because as a metal fan I have been exposed to such atrocities it is really hard to be shocked anymore. That said, some stuff still does not appeal to me. Like most gore metal is pretty shitty (no pun intended), not only musically but also visually. I can always appreciate a good monster, blasphemy or an atrocious drawing but I think it’s reality that shocks me the most. Which brings me to the second record that made me feel sick. The name of the band escapes me and I am not about go on the hunt just so that you can witness this shit, but it is from a Finnish metal band and in its cover we can find two Japanese school girls, both of whom seem to have been forcefed shit. It looks real, maybe it is not. But who knows? And who digs that stuff anyway?

Needless to say, you do not have to be sick to enjoy having a quick peek into those perversions. As long as it is just a phase you are ok. Or at least that’s what I like to think. As a bored university student I indulged many afternoons visiting the once free pages of Consumption Junction. The mammoth size website for all things fucked up contained thousands of short videos that range from homemade porn to Taliban executions (Daniel Peart video included), self-mutilation and all kinds of deviant shit. It was there that I once saw a video of two naked Japanese girls puking on each other’s mouths. That proved to be too much. I could simply not take it and had to hit pause almost right away. Immediately after that my youthful fascination with fucked up shit started to fade.

Anyway, I got to I Was Dora Suarez just a couple of weeks ago. I was at work listening to music in my Ipod when a song by Gallon Drunk started playing. It sounded good. It sounded really good. I had never heard of this band and I do not recall downloading their music. I am pretty sure it came onto my hard drive one of those nights in which I mechanically download music I know nothing of. Sometimes I compare this process of downloading illegal music to the process of sleepwalking. I am not entirely aware that I am doing it but I sure as fuck am doing it. Anyway, I recommend Gallon Drunk to anyone who misses The Birthday Party. There is not only a sonic connection but leader James Johnston has been part of The Bad Seeds. After I listened to them at work I Googled them, landed on Wikipedia and found out that their music is inspired by this book.

Check it out here.... (((YO SOY DORA SUAREZ))) 

MOSH POTATOES - Yet Another Book About Musicians and Their Dubious Culinary Skills

Music Industry veteran and metal musician Steve "Buckshot" Seabury brings you "Mosh Potatoes - Recipes, Anecdotes & Mayhem From The Heavyweights Of Heavy Metal". Almost 5 years in the making, Simon & Schuster the publisher, has moved the street date from November 30th to November 16th due to the heavy anticipation of the release. The book is now available for pre order online and will be available all of book stores, your favorite record stores and many mail order companies.

Seabury has set up a charity for the artist proceeds from each sale of the book to benefit The Meals on Wheels Charity. "This organization is very dear to my heart because it provides for so many great people, people like my own grandma. For the metal community to stand together and help these elderly people experiencing financial stress is a true blessing in my eyes." The Meals on Wheels Charity provides a great service by delivering over a million meals a day to senior citizens who are experiencing economic hardships or disabilities and cant afford to buy food.

Mosh Potatoes features 147 exciting recipes from legendary icons like Lemmy, Zakk Wylde and Lita Ford to the thrash titans of Pantera, Megadeth, Testament, Overkill and Anthrax to the hair metal bands of Guns & Roses, Dokken, LA Guns, Steel Panther, Twisted Sister to the mayhem of metal including Mudvayne, Lamb of God, Shadows Fall, Hatebreed and Devildriver to death metal pioneers of Napalm Death, Obituary, Death and Sepultura and the book wouldnt be complete without the future of the new school like Municipal Waste, Skeletonwitch, Lazarus AD, Evile and Moth Eater.

If you live for metal and like amazing food then you will without a doubt love Mosh Potatoes. So put the beers on ice, fire up the grill and Cook Out With Your Book Out!!!

For more information please check out the new Mosh Potatoes website at:
www.moshpotatoescookbook.com

Video Teaser: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnZERLkbpG4

Facebook: www.facebook.com/moshpotatoesbook

Pre Order on Amazon