Sunday, January 2, 2011

The 5 Most Annoying Spokesmen of 2010

Yaaaay, let's ring in the New Year! Since it's a blank slate, various companies have more chances to annoy the piss out of us with poorly thought-out commercials! Hooraaay! Even more exciting is that 2011 will certainly bring with it more annoying spokesmen for us to hate and in response purposely not buy products/services. So, as we look forward to a new army of irritation, let's celebrate the most annoying spokesmen of 2010!

5. The Capital One Vikings


I suppose they could also be Gauls, or maybe even Goths (no, the real ones), but it doesn't really matter. Capital One started this ad campaign perhaps earlier than 2010, maybe 2009, but they've become a staple of advertising for the past year. Really, these guys aren't as annoying as the rest here. The commercials can be moderately humurous at times, though recently have been plagued by a slow step towards the "plain folks" tactic. I'll reference this a lot, so let me explain, it's an advertising trick where you use actors to act like "real people" so you feel a connection to them. That's not what's annoying about these guys. What's annoying is this. See, when the Capital One Vikings first came into being, they were a representation of hidden fees and interest piling up by, of course, your credit card company. By choosing Capital One, you could avoid the army of evil, and the Vikings were the symbol. However, that was then, now they don't symbolize anything. Instead of running into your house to destroy you, stopping when they realize you have Capital One, they now spend time at parties, asking Santa for new swords, and visiting famous landmarks. What in the fuck does this have to do with anything? At first they made sense, now they just take up space in an attempt to sell an idea with "humor". Lose em.

4. The State Farm Asswipe


Honestly, I don't know how else to refer to this guy. I'm not even sure he has a special name, he probably does, but if not this is what it is. It's really difficult to explain why people don't like him (check Youtube). He actually does talk about what the company has to offer (or at least superficially), and it plays again on the old "plain folks" tactic, but there's just something about him. Maybe it's that cheeky smile, his borderline dated/poorly chosen clothing, or that one, fuck, that one piece of hair that daintily touches upon his forehead. Maybe it's the incredibly irritating hyuck downhome insurance agency whistling tune in the background, it's not really easy to explain. This guy is just a prick. He's at baseball games, he starts the same sentences you do and then laughs because it's so amazing you were thinking the same thing, and he buys coffee so you know he's hip while other people stare and wonder why the camera is there so it feels all so real. But he's not real. If he was, he wouldn't be alive anymore in most cities. If I was choosing insurance, I would purposely avoid State Farm because of this guy. Allstate has a good thing going with that villain character, Mayhem, but State Farm, lose this one, he annoys pretty much your whole customer base.

3. The Etrade Babies

Does this one even need an explanation? Where is it fucking written that talking babies are funny? Where is it written it's cute and anyone but the most naïve of losers thinks so? Ever wonder why the Look Who's Talking sequels bombed? Ever wonder why no one even remembers that reference? It's because babies aren't funny when they talk. They can't talk, and the voices they put over them so they look like they're talking are typically aggravating. They aren't cute, they're not interesting. And when you try to make them look like businessmen that are privy to the workings of Wall Street while still falling to the "plain folks" tactic by using baby problems like puking, shitting ones pants, and so forth, you're reaching the public's limit. Maybe it's just me, but babies don't make good spokesmen, they never have, they're just annoying. Anyone who has a baby cringes at the thought, because they know aside from what commercials with Christmas songs tell you, they're really just a cesspool of feces, vomit, piss, and tears. If you think they're cute, go take a whiff of one. Now try to sell a product on that.

2. Flo


You know who this is. You probably knew as soon as you read the name, and if not you know by the picture. God I hate this woman. Like the State Farm Asswipe, Flo does in fact, for the most part, tell you about what she's peddling. However, she does it using the "plain folks" method, while throwing in the 'Ugly Betty' factor for kicks. She's not really ugly, just average, just, you know, a girl from your hometown that hung out with the guys, drank beer, was probably used while drunk and liked it, and then had this really strong glandular thing going on. And she's as pale as a Victorian. Does this girl have the lowest Vitamin D count on the planet? Does she have to wear the brightest of red lipstick? Why do her eyes bug out so damn much? Plus, she has the whole hipster girl thing going on, and we all hate that. Another thing that's annoying and makes her moreso in the process is that the usage of common culture for "humor" is often skewed. A newer commercial, for example, shows an old man who asks her if he "gets all the dang nabbit coverage" he needs. Ummm, I get it, "old man talk", but anyone who knows that phrase knows the context here makes no sense. It's like he's saying "do I get all the damn coverage I need?" That doesn't work because the object of the damning, in this case insurance coverage, is a good thing. Other commercials have this 'Seinfeld' style humor to them except they won't make you laugh. Let's just top it off by reminding ourselves how much she brings to mind menstruation. That quickly sums up her and these commercials.

1. Amy, the Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bitch


There is so much wrong with this idea. Everyone hates her. Did you think it was impossible to make such an awesome cereal annoying? THINK AGAIN because in 2010 it was accomplished. Wasn't it enough to sell this cereal on concept alone? The old spokesmen were just a piece of toast, some sugar, and some cinnamon, that's all you needed. Eventually they had these chefs, and that's fine, but this girl is probably the most annoying spokesman of the century. Can't get worse than this. You'll see the same problem as you found above, this tendency in modern commercials to go with the "plain folks" routine, but for this one they throw a ton of different "girl" types into one being that everyone can't stand on so many different levels. Ugly Betty-style humor? Check. Nerd references? Check. Youtube chicks that post stupid videos reference? Check. Blogging reference? Check. Regular girl who hasn't gotten herself devirginized and talks a lot to compensate? Check. If you haven't seen this yet, I dare you to sit through the above video without committing a federal offense. As she urges her 'cinnamon sisterhood' to 'show some respect' for a cereal that's awesome on it's own, it kind of makes you think twice about buying it. Why do we need shit like this now? You don't even need to advertise this frikken cereal, it's too iconic. Why do you think they don't advertise for Golden Crisp anymore? DON'T NEED TO. Get rid of this girl for the love of god.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hahaha, fucking superb.

Arkus the Evil Dictator said...

Glad you like it. Been saving this one for the new year, slowly building my hate as I see them more and more...

ignacio brown said...

oh man, so many possibilities. the fucking lizard from geiko, the ex fat guy current super dork from subway....i actually like the vikings..

Arkus the Evil Dictator said...

Hey, Jerad or however you spell it is pretty annoying, but have to let him go. He was able to make his fortune by losing weight. The Vikings aren't so bad, they just don't have an actual function anymore. The Geico lizard is very tasteful!